Security Rick
by HookahSocialism
Summary: Jerry is sick of Rick being a neet and forces him to get a job. Rick finds himself in the luxurous and immensely easy and not at all soul crushing profession of being a security guard.


Rick is laying on the couch more drunk than usual grunting and Jerry comes by.

"Oh...gosh Rick! You smell just, just terrible! Thats it. Come tomorrow I want you to get up and find a job!"

Rick falls off the couch belching

"And how... (belch) how is that gonna solve your problems Jerry? What is is my job gonna move us up a class bracket? They threatening to take the house if you dont pay those credit card debts? You..."

"It's just I'm tired of you loafing around, making a jackass out of yourself, while I spend eight hours a day at work! You can contribute to this family too and frankly i"m sick of looking at you be a self destructive dumpster fire! But Beth just won't give her up. I wish she loved me the way she loves you Rick..."

Rick rolls over on his back eyes looking up.

"Love is shit Jerry...its the last ditch effort of needy and dependent people who need external validation. I mean...I mean really whats the difference Jerry? I have chemical dependencies that I pay for to spring some sort of dopamine into my brain so I dont just kill myself. You work dilligently to impress, keep, and satisfy a thinking creature whose feelings for you don't even have to be rational or fair, and we live in a low testoterone cuckface western country where you can't just rape and stone to death the validity out of her..."

"Did you just say to rape or stone to death Beth?"

"It's a moot point Jerry (belch)"

Rick drinks his flask laying down.

"Morty ain't gonna get what he wants out of you, you ain't gonna get what you want out of Beth, Beth isn't gonna get what she wants out of me, love is crap...I'd much rather drop some diet pills if I want to feel energized or NyQuil when i want to sleep and forget I exist."

"Just go find a job already!!!"

Rick is looking on the laptop with the most bored and unhappy of looks.

"This is the most horrible thing i've ever had to do...This is literally (belch) online dating only instead of being ignored by disease riddled whores i'm being ignored by rich white dudes. I guess thats slightly more productive..."

"Oh geez Rick. I I came by to get a glass of juice and I heard you talking like...well I mean not exactly the safe neutral nihilism you usually do but a more manosphere but also class concsciouss tone that can only be found online because the left is afraid to alienate women voters even though they themselves admit they make 75cents to the dollar so you cant get reforms out of them and they won't advocate violent revolution and..."

"Morty!!! Wanna play a game with your ole' grandpa?!"

Suddenly Morty is the one typing on the laptop.

"How did I get wrapped up into this? Oh geez..."

Eventually Rick gets a call down to a company. Its a security guard company. He goes down there and they explain they need someone to keep an eye out at the grocery store nearby.

"Well that seems simple enough..."

"Do you have your license?"

"My what?"

"Your D license. You need your D license to legally work as security in this state."

Morty looks at Rick

"Wow Rick...they make you keep and maintain a license just to work as a lowly mallcop? I I mean I know the job requires access to classified data and access but..."

The receptionist intterupts.

"Actually unless he had a G license he should not be anywhere near a restricted area. In fact the last guy got written up twice for eating a sandwhich in the employee breakroom. You dont work for the store you work for us. You also dont just use your common sense and have some sort of autonomy to make your own calls on things like a cop or soldier. We'll vaguely tell you what to do than get mad if we catch you doing it in such a way that makes a customer or clerk complain and act like it was your idea."

"Here you go... D, E, even F license."

"Theres no...F license?"

"Oh sorry, thats from a dimension tha has its shit together. Thats my (belch) dont give a FUCK license because ive dealt with enough bad things in my life not to be intimidated by some rinky dink security company that will probably go bankrupt or merge by the end of the year."

"Speaking of bankrupt. You'll be paid minimum wage every hour, be working long hours, and well...the last person to get a raise killed himself two weeks later. I know if I got that extra dollar an hour I'd have every desire to live."

"Can I have my fucking gun now?!"

"Oh you can't have a gun... you need a G license to do armed security even if you had your own license to conceal or open carry on your person you would still need the separate G license to carry on the job. So basically we treat you as two separate people and Security Rick doesn't get shit. If Security Rick has a gun he needs to keep it in his glove compartment or at home while on duty which is pretty much forever since we'll be calling you like a psychotic girlfriend to field posts..."

"You do realize if I die that'd be a worse lawsuit for you than me having a gun right? Just what in the hell do you idiots expect me to do if theres a terrorist incident or..."

The receptionist holds a whistle.

"Is that a rape whistle?"

"Its a warning whistle to grab clients attention and inform them that they are grossly violating the policies of the store."

"I'm calling it a rape whistle so that I don't take the gun out of my glove compartment on everyone in this building... (belch)"

So Rick is just looking around in his security guard outfit bored out of his mind as people shop and act like dumb npcs in video games. Literally just asking stupid questions like wheres the aisle for toilet paper, saying hi or bye, and one guy is walking forward right into a wall but keeps walking just not going anywhere.

"Oh my GOD this is shit Mor...oh wait you're at school. Lucky son of a bitch."

Morty at school is dealing with students just all kind of walking into walls, with npc dialogue "I got an A in math!" "Food is good!" Morty sighs.

Back to Rick... he tries to strikeup a conversation with the cashieer and before the cashieer could say anything some obese supervisor waddles out of the office room.

"Just what do you think you're doing?!"

"Uhhh talking to a co-worker?"

"This isnt the club! You both are supposed to be WORKING! Besides, security isnt staff. I will have to have a talk with your boss later about teaching you not to harass cashieers."

Rick slowly pulls out the rape whistle and blows it right in her face.

He's than at his security captain's office sitting down drinking a flask.

"So the complaints thus far are that you havent been checking literally every purchase reciept and that you keep talking to the staff as if you were people..."

"Uhhh yea? Do you (belch) even hear yourself?"

"You're just lucky we need suckers to fill these posts because actually the cost reduction on insurance far outweighs what they pay us in subcontracts and we get fined by the state if we don't fulfill our contracts in completion. Othwerwise you'd be OUTTA HERE!!!"

"Don't make any promises now..."

"Also I have noticed spying on you even though noone actually trains you or is there to carry some of the burden of responsibilit but I still feel compelled to stick my two cents in... you walk around...A LOT"

"Well no fucking duh. Im a security guard. I I (belch) keep an eye on these dumb motherfuckers. Not that i'd care if they actually did steal something, but they rarely do. Moreso its they drop something, push fire exits open, try walking barefoot on areas of broken glass, or just leave their phones like a fucking retard."

"Yeeeah thats all well in good but your post is this particular area. So you are to stand there all day and or night. I dont want you sitting down, chatting with co-workers, walking around so that people see youre being observant. I want you to be like some abused dog tied to a tree and than somehow it's still at least partially your fault when shit goes wrong. Oh! Speaking of you being the worst fucking employee ever and you are a piece of shit...I'm gonna need you to work Thursday...and Monday...in fact lets just put you down for seven days a week.

Rick slowly pulls out his rape whistle and blows it in the captain's face.

"This is easily the second best device I have ever had in my adventures second to the portal gun..."


End file.
